Against indomitable odds

When I was moving around some boxes some months back, I found a letter addressed to me. Of all the people it could have been from, it was from myself, in the past.

It was an old palanca letter I wrote to myself - something of a requirement for this retreat I joined back in high school. We were asked to write down how we saw ourselves at that time and what we wanted ourselves to be after the retreat.

I was going through a rough patch with a lot of things. The juvenile me thought a girlfriend would solve all that. So in the letter, I wrote to God, asking for a girlfriend in the future - a simple girl, who would love me dearly - someone I could see myself marrying; someone who could get me to go to Church more often; someone who would inspire me to be better and work harder. I thought little of it. In fact, after the seminar, I even lost the letter.

I hadn't realized it then, but years later, I would meet her.

She was everything I asked for and more. She was also a vegetarian. At first, I thought it was karma for defying my family’s choice to go meatless. I had always been angry with them for choosing to turn vegetarian. They said it was for my sake, because I was eating too much processed food. They forced me to turn along with them. I hated the fact that they would always tell friends they chose to do so because of me, like it was my fault. I rebelled and ate meat whenever I could.

Needless to say, they were happy when they met that girl.

She hadn't stopped me from eating meat, but at least she's taught me to be proud of my vegetarian family. It was a part of my family I always tried to hide, for fear of being ridiculed by friends. For once, here was someone who actually envied my position and made me see the other side of it; how fortunate I was to have them.

After we were together for some years, I was with my Dad in the car. It was just the two of us, so I thought it was the appropriate time to ask him a really personal question.

“What made you decide to marry Mom?”

“I feel like God gave her to me," he said, a bit embarrassed, in fact. "It’s not been perfect. We’ve had fights. We have our idiosyncrasies. But she’s always looked after me. She gave me the two of you. I don’t think I’d be as happy now if I married anyone else.”

That really resonated in me.

So much so that it's the first thing that popped in my head when I reread that palanca letter to myself.

I hadn’t realized it at first, but it turns out, that girl was everything I asked for. She got me to go back to church again. I was so grateful that every time we’d go to church together, she was always the first thing I thanked Him for.

As for the vegetarian bit, I started thinking, maybe she wasn't sent to convert me into one. Maybe I was being prepared, all along, to meet her.

As for inspiring me to be better and work harder, she did that too. She would cheer me on every time I was given a new offer, even if it was just a side job. She'd respect the strict time I had set aside strictly for work, even though that's not usually what I did with it.

Most of all, what I truly hadn't intended on was for her to become my best friend. I was reluctant to share things with her, feeling like it was baring my chest to be stabbed. She never forced me to open up, but when I did, I felt so relieved to be able to tell her everything. I ended up sharing more with her than I would my own best friends

Nothing helped me make up my mind more than those realizations.

I'll never forget the time we slow danced for the first and last time. During that brief moment, with her in my arms, I was absolutely sure of what I wanted.

I know it's rather self-centered to think that God would give you someone. It's possible that I’m just attaching meaning to seemingly random events. But I can’t help but think that they could be connected somehow.

When we broke up, I was devastated. I hadn't just lost my girlfriend, but also my best friend.

There were others to talk to and confide in, but none else who could return such a warm and reassuring feeling as she did.

The most painful part of it is the thought that I've gotten exactly what I asked for, something truly rare in life, and took it for granted, even pushed it away. I want her to know that her efforts weren't in vain.

If I could turn back time and take back all the hurtful things I’ve said and done, I would. I'd show her all the love and support she showed me tenfold. I still pray there’s a shred of hope that it can all be undone. Even if the odds are against me; just as they were against her, and she loved me still.