Nothing to Leave Behind

I’ve recently brought up the issue of finding work abroad with family members and they seemed quite receptive and encouraging. They were glad I’m finally opening up to the idea and pondering spreading my wings and leaving the nest, so to speak. One of the reasons they’ve cited for me to pursue this is that I’ve “got nothing to leave behind.”

While in a way, it’s true, it’s also painfully revealing of my life thus far. I’ve recently turned 25, you see, and against all my will, all my ridiculing on the matter, I think I might have unwittingly stumbled into the feared “quarter life crisis.” Funny what a few little words can do.

Perhaps the first thing that comes to mind is the part about the love life, or lack thereof. Four years in college, three years in the work environment, four self-help books, and dozens of acquaintances later, I’m still lacking. Recently, I’ve argued that it’s a matter of choice. Yet there are times I’ve wondered if I’ve been a little too ambitious for my own good.

Following closely is that of my career. Three years of working my ass off has still kept my salary well below what I had expected when I was back in college. Heck, in all that time, I’ve only managed to raise the cost of my services by just a mere four figures. Then there are the stories – my efforts at immortalizing my thoughts, opinions and experiences, to broadcast them to the world to make a world event. Of course, the world event lasts only as long as the ink does on the paper, or the cache does in Google. My billboards — my petty little claim to fame — that used to stand proudly in four prominent locations in the metro are now gone. They’ve been tucked away into a filing cabinet of aggressive marketing, long forgotten thanks to the rival brand’s relentless hard sell tactics.

Then there are my personal projects — little things I scribble into a little red notebook that cost too much to bring to life — an ambitious magazine here, a new way to phase out money in a mall, a job recruitment agency cum educational institute. None of them have gone beyond brainstorming coffee breaks, much less a feasible financial viability study.

And Destiny, my Destiny. I’ve got such great plans for her, plans that were made the day I first drove her to school – promises that have yet to be fulfilled. Indeed, things have been made easier to keep these with her, but despite all my negotiations, one thing I can’t seem to give her is time. And yet she’s waited for 48 long years.

As for family, spirituality and craft, they’re now, perhaps, worse off than when I started. There’s been so much abandon, so much compromise, so much putting off thanks to the pressure of work that I wonder when I’ll finally begin working on them rather than adding to the growing list of To-Do’s on my phone.

Perhaps it’s because the one thing I keep working for is what I hope will buy me more of this precious time in the future. I’m prepared to make more sacrifices and am struggling to tick off things from my list as I go along. The trouble is, when I do come back, will there be any of this “nothing’s to leave behind” left waiting for me? At the end of the day, all I’m looking for is something to come home to.

Bum Ticker

Funny how you only start to look into your own health when it’s too late.

My Dad’s recent episodes of high blood pressure have prompted the family to buy this electronic blood pressure monitor. As part of his concern (read paranoia with mild hypochondria), he urged us to take our own blood pressure readings regularly as well.

Now we’ve long been aware of my mom’s mild anemia, but I wouldn’t have believed it was genetic until I saw my own pressure reading. It was the first time, in a while, that I’ve had mine taken. Naturally, the whole family was already high strung about health, and off I was trooped to see the doctor.

So we took some readings, and there were some interesting findings. The doctor said I had abnormal heart rhythm called arrhythmia. Nicknamed ‘athlete’s heart’, arrhythmia often occurs in hyperactive adults. My lifestyle, obviously, is quite the opposite. Of course, the doctor assured me that it was all within normal bounds. So my worries were laid to rest… for a while.

Reading and editing through press releases, I discovered a couple of factoids regarding arrhythmia.

“The term arrhythmia refers to any change from the normal sequence of electrical impulses, causing abnormal heart rhythms. This can cause the heart to pump less effectively. Some arrhythmias are so brief (for example, a temporary pause or premature beat) that the overall heart rate or rhythm isn't greatly affected. But if arrhythmias last for some time, they may cause the heart rate to be too slow or too fast or the heart rhythm to be erratic.

Mine, obviously, is too slow. There were gaps when my doctor thought my heart stopped beating. Speaking of which...

“Sudden cardiac arrest is a condition wherein the heart beat stops suddenly and unexpectedly. There is abrupt or sudden loss of heart function, and it is usually caused by abnormal heart rhythm called arrhythmia.

“Sudden cardiac arrest occurs when the electrical system to the heart malfunctions and suddenly becomes very irregular. The heart beats dangerously fast, causing the normal rhythmic contractions to stop, and inhibits the heart from pumping blood and oxygen to the rest of the body. Within seconds, the brain becomes depleted of oxygen and the person loses consciousness. If not treated immediately, this condition deteriorates to ‘a systole’, wherein the heart ultimately stops beating, and the person dies – sudden cardiac death (SDC)… Smokers are vulnerable to developing coronary artery disease, which in turn, could lead to SCD.

Brilliant. For quite a while I was pretty confident I’d never die of a heart attack: I have a semi-vegetarian diet, I’m not fat, and it’s not in my family history. I couldn’t be more wrong.

No, I'm not about to stop smoking soon. And it's too late to make it my New Year's resolution. Besides, it's the only way I deal with the devastating news of this depressing condition these days... *Sniff*

On the bright side, I can say that I really do have a broken heart, literally.